Reviewed 06/28/2004
Directed by: Jurgen Vsych
Starring: Julia Lee as Ophelia, Lauren Birkell as The Broom Witch,
Hilary Shepard as Virginia Svelte, Dian Kobayashi as The Librarian,
Camille Langfield as Tina, George Gray as Larry
Rated: Not Rated (suitable for all ages)
Genre: Comedy, fantasy, Urban fantasy social burlesque
"Clever and quick"
“Um, I don’t think this is the movie I
signed up for.”
Ophelia is an ordinary girl with an unfortunately literary name. She
has a father who wants her to be a good little housewife/consumer, a
brother who torments her constantly, a boyfriend who’s destined to be a
Wall Street magnate, and a best friend who shares her love of
cosmetics, cigarettes, Leonardo DiCaprio movies, and teen fashion
magazines.
And she also has an unreasonable fear of water and awakes every night
from Titanic-inspired dreams in which her boyfriend tosses her over
guard rails and forces her out of life rafts. Unlike her best friend
Tina, Ophelia can’t find solace in burning happy faces into her arm
with cigarettes – and her encouraging boyfriend is working to get her
into the water, but is never present when she really needs him. Ophelia
is in dire need of an awakening – and quick.
Things take a turn from the lightly-gothic to the downright bizarre
when Ophelia’s brutish brother goes in search of a broom he can use to
play broomball. The twisted, gnarled broom he brings back to the house
is stolen from “some witch” who shows up at the door after Ophelia
breaks the broom over her knee in a fit of rage. The witch demands
restitution from Ophelia’s father – $7,500, his pick-up truck, or
Ophelia. Ophelia’s father doesn’t even think twice. He hands over
Ophelia.
The Good…
And Ophelia finds herself plunged headfirst into a hearty burlesque on
women’s issues in the modern world. The Broom Witch is one of many
“superheroines” who fight on the side of the light, along with Mother
Nature, The Librarian, and The Chocolatier, to name a couple. These
women – along with Librarian and Mother’s husbands, Handyman and
Testosterone Guy – wage a never-ending battle to empower women, restore
the natural balance, and teach young girls like Ophelia to shun the
commercialization of their bodies and minds. To help Ophelia come
around, they give her a talking ragdoll to act as her Jiminy
Cricket-esque conscience and to help steer her away from the influences
that would taint and destroy Ophelia’s womanhood.
And, oh, those influences.
The Bad…
They’re all around Ophelia’s old life, pushing poisoned cosmetics and
cigarettes and arranging the trophy marriages and luxury cruises sure
to crush the female spirit at every turn. There’s cigarette-huffing
Virginia Svelte, media mogul Doucher, and they’ve even gotten their
hands on Ophelia’s friend Tina, transforming her into the hellish Bitch
On Wheels. Representing everything indecent and shallow, they’re
determined to drive The Broom Witch and her ilk from the land and make
the world safe for rampant consumerism once more. They have the money,
the power, and the cold lumps of ice where their hearts should be. All
that stands in their way is the power of the Broom.
That would be the Broom that Ophelia broke over her knee. Whoops.
And The Goofy.
As Ophelia, Julia Lee carries much of the movie as she leads a large
comic ensemble in a broadly-painted parody of social issues. With a
delivery that drifts between airy Stepfordism and solid earthiness,
Ophelia sets out from her crass world of teenage fashion and tries to
discover which side she belongs on – is she meant to be one of
Virginia’s cosmetic-smearing, tobacco-huffing gaggle, or is she meant
to wear blue jeans and eat granola with The Broom Witch and The
Chocolatier?
The cast is lovable and insane, the script is sharp and funny, and the
message is strong without being too preachy. Like all good burlesque,
it spends little times on details or the niceties of nuance
(Testosterone Guy responds to the news that Handyman has been burning
down dry cleaners with unfair prices by saying, “Arson is always the
quickest solution”) and instead hits the issues at hand with broad
strokes, tossing in the occasional Shakespearean reference (“Of all the
Shakespearean names. At least Lady Macbeth had ambition”). But even
painting in broad strokes, Vsych never makes the mistake of claiming
easy answers. Making the right choice does not insure that Ophelia can
do no wrong, and there is no wrong that can be done that can’t be
undone.
“I am but a poor player, who struts and frets his half-minute on the
film….”
In the end, Ophelia Learns to Swim offers a fun film and a
well-delivered message.
